I am gonna go eat worms...Sing with me

Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, think I'll go eat worms.
Big fat juicy ones, Eensie weensy squeensy ones,See how they wiggle and squirm.

This is our theme for today. This post is also going to be shorter than the last couple for I do not want to re-live today. Not that it was all that horrible, but I/we are on overload.

Bless Payson's sweet little heart! When I arrived today he was not happy. They had the top down on his heating bed creating a cocoon around him while the sun lamps sunned him from above the plastic container and the darn head contraption sat sideways on his head. The nurse came in and I asked if we could we turn off the lamps so I can hold him, she said he had to stay under there 24/7. Say what? I told her that wasn't the case and that he hated that lamp. She went to go review his belliruben numbers and in the meantime I had asked for the nurse manager. Last night when Todd went to visit he noticed Similac sitting on the shelf. When he inquired about the formula the nurse told him that there wasn't any breast milk in the fridge. He immediately told her that wasn't the case and that I had been pumping religiously storing all of it there at the hospital. She insisted there wasn't any and Todd told her to look again...Guess who didn't take her time to look diligently. She found some, but unfortunately Payson had been fed the Similac earlier that evening! ARRRR Thankfully, Todd caught this mistake before he was fed all night long and informed them no matter what time of night to call us and I would come down and pump them some fresh food if need be! At this point I will be happy to provide a meal for the whole floor and what has already been stored is worth at least a week of all the NICU babies food. Geez! So, I wanted to talk to the nurse manager concerning this mistake and too make sure it didn't happen again. I told her our delima and she was sweet to immediately respond to my concern. She wrote it on his board for everyone to see, "Please feed me my mommy's milk". We talked a little more about how to avoid our friendly genetics doctor and I of course thanked her for moving payson to a new room! Yep, our boy moved on up in the NICU unit. We now have a private room with a sofa bed and WINDOWS...It doesn't matter that it looks over the trash I was just happy to have natural light and allow our little boy to see green trees!

Side story here: When my father had his first heart attack the hospital in our Podunk town put my father in a room with a window...One that overlooked the cemetery! At least it wasn't a far ride! Whew, glad we don't have that view.

Back to Payson: As the nurse manager and I talked Payson's day shift nurse walked in and said his numbers were good so we could turn off the light. Once the light was turned off I took off his head contraption and just held his hand. He was happy to have my hand to hold, but seemed to be laboring hard to breath and sounded congested. I mentioned something and it was blown off like it was normal. ARRR. Then Payson's adorable pregnant surgeon came and sat down to chat. She said that she'd heard about the error she made last week concerning his ability to come home. I said that we were find with that and it was my hope for Christmas he'd be home. She looked at me with disappointment in her eyes. She said that Christmas was only 15 weeks away and it wouldn't give her enough time to fix his gap. She said that he has what is called "long gap esphageal atresia"...meaning it is a bigger than expected gap, aka worse case scenario, and that he would most likely be there longer than Christmas possibly getting moved to PICU b/c he'd outgrow NICU. Okay, Okay I can handle that. We can handle Christmas in the hospital. I will just go Christmas Eve decorate the room and then we will get up, dressed and head down. I was okay until I realized that anyone younger than 3 can't be in NICU, so that means that no matter how I spin it my family will be split up during the holidays...someone will always be missing from the equation. I heard a crack, it was my heart that dropped to the floor and shattered like fragile glass.

Over the next hour Payson's labored breathing continued and I continued to push it with the nurse. At one point little man just put his finger on his tube and pulled it out. I put it back in, but told the nurse that I wasn't sure if it was right...she said she'd check the notes. His tube was inserted at 8 cm...it was supposed to be at 11 cm! His labored breathing was because his little pouch was full and the tube wasn't down far enough to do it's job. After a few seconds of clearing he began to get more comfortable, breathing slowed and he feel asleep in my arms. It was all too soon that I had to put him back so I could return home, but today he went back snuggled tightly in his swaddle and was happy when I left. (: At least it wasn't yesterdays departure.

On a side note: We are all beginning to feel the effects. Walker isn't getting the time or attention he needs. He has been good about it, but I know it stinks. Margaret Ruth has become rather clingy and fussy. She desperately needs a schedule, but I can't find a "pre-school" that can take her for they are all full. Todd won't talk about it, but I can tell he feels torn. He makes it all look simple, easy and under control, but I know he is struggling. Me...well, you know how I feel no problems communicating them!

On that I end this update!