Tonight's Update

After a couple hours at home I decided to head back down for a little bit to check in with Payson. When I walked into his room I developed an instant sweat! It was hotter then Texas on a hot summer day! Whoosh! Immediately, I asked the nurses to call maintenance to have them turn down the heat. At the moment it is much cooler in his room! Payson has also developed a little fever, 101, so I took off his covers, got a cool wash cloth and rubbed his head. Thankfully the nurse got him some Tylenol and gave him a dose of morphine. He is uncomfortably stirring and his heart rate is in the high 170's, (his normal range is in the 150's) so he is having some discomfort. I have asked that they give him a dose of adavan, which is a little sedative and will help him stay asleep. Poor guy! It wasn't my plan to stay here, but it isn't my mother's heart to go home until he is comfortable. On a good note, they were able to drop his oxygen rate down to 40% and they think he will be able to begin feeds tomorrow sometime. It will be a small amount and drip in, but it is something. Through all these surgeries the doctors have come to know me as the mom who wants her son fed ASAP. Every time a doctor walks in I ask, "when can we feed him". It is my job as a mom to make sure his every need is met and when he isn't fed that is a need I want met. Stupid I know, but it is important to me.

On my drive down tonight I was thinking about today's events and an ex of mine crossed my mind. It wasn't that I was wondering how he was, where he is or any aspect of our relationship, but that why did this happen to Payson. Where's the correlation right? I hope I can articulate my thoughts correctly! See my ex is an atheist. He wasn't just any kind of atheist he was a religious right hater, a belief basher, saw anyone who believed in a higher being was weak, pompous, informed atheist. He challenged my faith and Satan used him to test my belief in God, but that is all water under the bridge. So, when I thought of him I found myself surprised that he'd come to mind, but I was really asking God why not him? Here he is a man who believes in himself, mocks Christians, the hopeless atheist that you can't reason with and is down right selfish. I know these descriptions sound mean, but they aren't intended to be mean. These words most certainly are not coming from any past hurt or anger because there is none. He is part of my past and there are no feelings associated with it! Now, don't get me wrong I would never wish this medical nightmare on my worst enemy, but I can't help but question why these things happen to good folks. Todd and I are far from exemplary Christians, but we believe in God, try to live our lives according to his word, we give of ourselves even when we have nothing to give and we make people laugh. Todd is one of the last gentlemen on this planet. If he sees a woman on the side of the road, he will stop change her tire or help her in any way he can...He totally has bonus points in heaven! (: So, why would these two people have to endure the guilt, horror and challenges that having a baby in the ICU for 140 plus days does? Why wouldn't this happen to the man who could care less if there is a God, down's people and is very Narcissus? (You are probably wondering why I was with him if I have these things to say about him...Three words...low self esteem). If this were to happen to his child he'd never pray despite how desperate his circumstances got, guilt would never enter his mind and faith would only exists with the doctors. So, someone please explain why? Why this happens to good people and not people who need to be jerked off the chain? Doesn't God want their attention too? He has ours, so what is the lesson here? Why not get my ex's attention? I just don't understand and not that I have to, but I just was pondering this tonight and wondered why us.