Not your rose colored glasses...

Tonight I am in a mood! Not sure why or what the cause of it is, but there is an internal struggle of angry raging within. I guess when you boil it all down I am exhausted, pissed off, frustrated and disappointed. Every time I get in this mood I always turn my thoughts to another family who has it worse than I do. This is a wonderful way to broaden my horizon and look beyond myself, but tonight I don't wanna! I want to sit here and focus on my suckage, pain, misery and annoyances! I just want to have the right to feel what I feel and for it to be okay with the world just for a moment!

My husband, Mr. Optimistic, can't stand posts like this. He always finds the good any situation! Not me!! There are times I just wanta be miserable. His outlook on life causes me to be frustrated eventually leaving me disappointed at myself. I want to see the rainbow, but I also want to mourn the losses of things too. I guess I feel as if I am not allowed to grieve what I have lost. By no means does Todd intentionally make me feel this way quite the contrary. Yet, his positive outlook can really dampen your depressed state of mind.

Part of this black cloud stems from all the frustrations that come with having a medically challenged child. The nursing agency is a full time drama fest. It is CRAZY! One nurse doesn’t want this, another needs to move this, the other can't do that...ARRR. I have bent over backwards to accommodate and welcome these strangers in my home. I have even turned a blind eye to a nurse not doing their job b/c I like them. After the phone call I got from the nursing agency yesterday basically saying we had numerous open shifts and that a nurse wants this...I am D-O-N-E! I have made our home so easy to work at that I feel taken advantage of. So, after that phone call I realized that this is just a job for the nurses and they are going to do what they deem best for them, not us! Move over nice guy, Ms. Thing just arrived! I am going to insist on what works for us from now on and there will be no blind eye! I look forward to nursing not being my problem!!!! Our home, our rules, our discipline and no one else!

Over the course of the last couple of months I have realized how much I missed out on in Payson’s life. We never got to bond those first few moments of his life, he never knew his siblings until he came home 6 months after his birth, he never knew mom & dad to be in one room or what it was like to sleep in our bed. The list of things he/we missed is endless! It deeply saddens me to realize how much we lost while we eagerly waited for Payson to grow. We wanted him home so bad we wished his babyhood away. There are times when I see a mother with her baby when my heart cries for the loss of a typical first year with a baby. Geez we missed so much! Although, I got one "happy" childbirth experience I wished I could have gone out of the childbearing stage with another one. Quite frankly, I am angry I wasn't given that opportunity wasn't my first daughter enough? Did I really have to add another heartbreak to my life story? Honestly, I can't even begin to describe the frustration and disappointment I feel inside because of typical infancy happiness that we were robbed of.