16 and counting

First and foremost.... He has risen, He has risen indeed! Thank you Sweet Jesus for comin on Sunday to redeem us all!

I pray your Easter was as beautiful as mine! In a small town church where older ladies wear great big hats and there is a fimilar hello even if your a stranger, with cousins endlessly playing in a yard with the mountains exploding with wild glorious beauty, the warmth of the spring sun with a chill in the wind all while the adults just sit and be family! Cherished memories and ones my soul thirsts for!

As I leave Virginia taking the shortened drive home I find myself reflecting on a word my mother spoke of; forgiveness. It made me think of all the things I had needed forgiveness for and for my future withdrawals. As I think of my relationship with my mom I think of the one I "have" with my daughter. Not my little princess who is always on the tip of my tongue but the one I have physically ached for 16 long years! Time has eased my loss, but has it heightened hers? Is she one of the ones that I will need to beg forgiveness from since my sin affected her whole life? Does she even think about me? Does she know how much I long to hold her face in my hands? Does she know if I am givien the opportunity that the tears that will overflow my eyes won't be sorrow but relief that God decided to honor me by allowing me to hold her once again. Does she care that she enters my insecure thoughts several times a day? Does she realize how much I desire for my phone to ring and here the words I am ready? Does she know I am here waiting, longing, desiring to meet the young woman she has become? Is she secure enough with herself to be able to pick up the phone to the unknown? Does she know that she was my first real love and has a piece of my heart? Will she ever know what I want her to know; the things that words can't articulate? Will my family ever be complete? The will she, does she, can she haunts my thoughts. So as we head into year 17 I still wonder and secretly hope that tomorrow might hold my first bornes first words to me.

Until then, if it even happens, I will have to use this forum to let her know how I don't regret her for one second. Yes, she was really early in my life, but right on time for her parents. To ask for forgiveness for not using her life as a lesson and get pregnant 7 months later with my son. It was never of I didn't want her but wanted him. It was a matter of survival, I just couldn't survive another heart wrenching adoption. It wasn't that I didn't want the best for them both but that I just couldn't. I'd tell her I was proud of the family I specifically choose for her but would ask for forgiveness for whatever hurts she endured because of me. I'd let her know that every time I look at the stars I find comfort in knowing she is under the same sky as me. It isnt my roof she is under but at least she is under the same sky. Oh and how I long to tell her I love you!

May you know how you have never left my heart!