The battle

The phrase decannulation (removal of the trach) is cancelled has been on auto repeat ever since I heard those words. Without a tear I managed to listen intently to what the nurse was telling me despite my heart being shattered and being sick to my stomach. I physically ached and even today two weeks later I find the ache ever more present then the first moments after being told. Monday would have been our big day and we will still have to go through the process, plus more testing, but will leave with Payson's accessory still attached to his neck. Our entire stay in the hospital will feel like I am being kicked straight in the gut. Seems a bit cruel doesn't it? Yet, we have no choice but to keep moving forward even with 10 lbs of concrete attached to each foot that moves forward. 

With this latest development it has become very clear that this could possibly be a life long attachment. My "normal" life just might include nursing, doctors, hospitals, trachs, insurance battles, full time medical coordinator/librarian. My body instanly reacts with a dull sickness in my stomach, longing desire ache in my heart and physically everything that contains me screams in begging desperation how I just can't keep going on like this. No way no how can I continue doing this battle. I have gained so much weight that I am embarrassed to be in pictures. When I do take a picture and see it I get saddened that I look awful. Everything I was no longer exsits. I barely recognize that woman with large arms, plump face and a potato sack on for a dress. I feel just as awful on the outside as I feel on the inside. 

So, in my typical Windsor fashion starting tomorrow I am going to give all of this a good ole one two heave hoe. Despite being financially tight I am going to join the YMCA and work off the 50 lbs. I have gained. I am going to stop telling myself that I will start to eat better tomorrow and just do it today. Then on Monday I will take up my cause and as long as his preliminary teats reveal nothing I am going to get the doctors to remove the trach against their wishes. I know my boy and I will not put him in danger, but I also won't let him continue to suffer if there is nothing we can do about his GI issues. So, all of those who believe in my fabulous God please pray on our behalf. Pray that God will only let me crave the heathy things, not over eat b/c of my misery and lose my desire for sweets. Pray that my sweet Jesus will be enough comfort so that I don't turn to food. Pray as I begin this battle that the one I continue to fight will end someday soon. Pray that nothing is revealed on Monday and I can insist on moving forward. If something were to reveal itself within PAysons  body pray it is a quick fix and we can move on. If Gods will is to not have this trach removed during our stay that he give me a peace as to not push our doctors hard. Either way please go to battle with and for us as we forge ahead on the road of the unknown.

This doesn't go into mention the war we are waging with Walkers teenager temptations. He is being typical, sneaky, deseptive and has turned from Christ. He is still my sweet, good, adorable Walker, but he now finds himself in a struggle from the boy he has been to the man he is to become. Unfortunately that man is being influenced by a world that has changed dramatically over the past 18 years since I was his age. The pressures are worse, drugs and alcohol are already a major issue at school and sex is a obscenely common activity as if one were to chew gum. I can only hope that my desperate plea to God that He fill in where I have failed Walker as a parent kicks in soon. I really miss my son and can only pray this is the worst of it. Please be praying for him as we are distracted as parents and he battles worldliness. 

Thank you all for following me on this journey but for also being people that I can turn to for prayer. Thank you!