Indestructible

I have spent the last couple of hours thinking about Payson's disappointing set back, (set back to us not for him) being angry at the pharmaceutical company and angry that DuPont didn't read the MRI that was done when I was pregnant correct. I feel so blind sided and feel Payson got an unfair start. With those thoughts comes these:

At 17 years old when I had my precious baby girl, released her for adoption and spent years in emotional turmoil over my loss I figured I'd paid the piper in full for the rest of my life. I knew that there was no way God would allow me to feel the pain that I experienced over my daughter again. I felt secure in knowing that I had survived the worst and now life would be smooth sailing. Now don't get me wrong there has been pain, trials and turmoil since. Being an unwed mother again at 18, the grand-daughter of a famous religious family and a single mom to boot all came with pain and trials, but nothing as devastating or heart breaking as the release for adoption of my daughter. I guess in my mind that pain I endured should cover the rest of my life...God would allow me to move on with my happily ever after and I was willing to take it and run. (: In other words I thought I was indestructible now, untouchable when it came to gut wrenching pain and a survivor who would never again look down the barrel of a gun. I mean, don't I deserve that?! After many a toads I got my prince, after being a single mom I got a dad for my child, after experiencing the joys of a child alone I got my partner and with that all three children I gave birth too were beautiful and perfect in every way...This was smooth sailing indeed! Cruising down life's highway experiencing life's bumps but nothing significant. On top of all that Todd is such a prince and good person that nothing bad can touch us. He has paid in kindness 1000 times over. I guess this was my way of thinking until all that changed on Monday. This week we have experienced gut wrenching pain of a different kind...Watching our son endure his imperfections and the medical treatments that can cause so much pain. Not only do we get to watch that, but once again in my lifetime my arms are left empty only to ache to hold him! What, Why, How did this happen to us? How can Todd's kindness be repaid with pain? How can my suffering continue in a different way years later? How can this be? I find myself being rocked to the core and questioning what I did so wrong in my life these past 14years to have to pay the piper again.

This might not make sense for some of you or any of you who read this. It makes sense to me though. Maybe my words can bring me some clarity, but for now it is just a record!