I thought about buying you a card, but knew there would be no card on this earth that could express how I feel today, on your first birthday. So, I decided to put what is in my heart as I reflect on your first year of life down on paper so that one day you can look back at it and know how your mom felt on your birthday.
The word “miracle” is an overused phrase in this world and I hate using this word to describe your life but it is the one word that fits you…Little had I ever known what a true miracle was…that was until you!
Every baby born is a true miracle, one in which I stand in complete and utter amazement of our Lord and Savior. The entire process from conception to birth is one big awe factor. Even thinking about it now, it is mind boggling at how magnificently detailed and equistately God designed bringing a fetus to life is. A-M-A-Z-I-N-G! Yet, when you entered the world one year ago little did I know I would gain a deeper level of respect for the word miracle. Even before you were conceived the odds were against you. Since I was diagnosed with hyper-thyroid that eventually turned into Grave’s disease my chances of getting pregnant were slim to none. Add the medication I was taking to correct my severely dysfunctional thyroid the chances were more minus than ever, but by some miracle you were conceived. With the medication I was taking and your medical problems there is no reasonable explanation as to how you survived the first 7 weeks in utero. Not only did you survive the first 7 weeks, but 28 weeks more with a major surgery on top. So, you say “what’s the big deal?” I survived; well sweetheart this is just the beginning of the miracle. At 9:03 am when I pushed you out your apgar score was a 1, which means you were blue and weren’t breathing. My doctor told me, (a year later) that if she would have given you a chance of survival at that moment it would have been 20%. Once again by the hand of God you not only survived your first hour, but your first 24 hours. Even though we were devastated over the realization of your medical condition there wasn’t a moment that God didn’t remind of us of how fragile your life was and that you were a miracle in every sense of the word. Over the next 99 days in the NICU, we watched you recover from two major surgeries, struggle to breath constantly and get a major blood infection. We had to discuss your life, medical conditions, the odds and even what to do in the event your life would be taken from us. Again by the grace of God’s hand you fought to stay here with us. On the 99th day we cried as we pulled out of the hospital parking lot with you in our car. Before we left God had placed it on your dad’s heart to have the doctor send us home with a monitor for the just in case. We spent the next 10 days enjoying every moment we could with you…finally our family was complete and under one roof. We were finally able to be parents to our infant! You struggled to breathe a handful of times, but it was ten short days after you came home that you turned blue and we had to rush you straight to the hospital. Again, it was nothing short of a miracle that you stayed here on this earth much less not sustaining any permanent damage. It was on the fifth day after your return that we were told you would have to have a tracheostomy because you had severe tracheomalacia. Seriously, you were one miracle after the next. You spent the first four months of your life living in the NICU away from your family, undergoing surgeries and struggling to breathe because your windpipe would collapse on you. If you don’t feel you are a miracle by now then throw on another major surgery, another blood infection and becoming colonized with a bacterial infection. All of this without any permanent damage. You define miracle!!! Those are just your medical miracles. The fact that you are the happiest, most complacent, easy going baby after all you’ve been through is another miracle in itself.
Son, this past year has tested me in ways I had never thought possible. There have been times I have wanted to throw my hands in the air, crawl in a hole and give up, but you inspired me to keep going. Here I am this 31 year old mother whose heart is heavy because of your struggles and there you were smiling at me through intense amounts of pain. Who was I to throw my hands up in the air and want to quit? There were countless times we should have lost you, that medically there is no explanation to why you are still here, but you faithfully fought to have your place in this world. My commitment to you kids, your father and our family has grown deeper as a result of your arrival. A thirst for God and his amazing arms grew more feverant as the year went on. This selfish being I had been for 31 years finally got to taste what real sacrifice was and how heart wrenching it can be. For the first time in my life I experienced a pure love that emotions from the depth of your soul can’t even come close to comparing. Ask anyone and they will tell you I am a fighter, but before your lengthy hospital stay that was just child’s play. I learned to always go with your gut even if it defies medical reasoning. Even though I had experienced the tremendous loss (your sister) when I was younger it didn’t guarantee me a spot in the easy going lane. That when my knees were tired from praying all I needed to do was reach up! This life of yours has taught me all this and that is just the first year. Imagine what else I will learn the next 80 years? (Don’t push your luck though!)
God has given me the distinct honor of being your mother. Even if I had only gotten 5 minutes with you it would have been one of the highest honors to be bestowed upon me. I promise to never take your siblings or your life for granted and to always appreciate the miracles that we have seen this past year! Thank you for allowing me to be your mom, with this beginning I can’t wait to see what God plans for your future!
Payson John, I love you!
Mom
Here is our story in pictures...enjoy!
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