Thoughts...

It hs been awhile since I posted. The reason for the delay, (besides my life), haven't felt like it. Not that I haven't thought about doing it, but just couldn't muster up the words to put down. I also know that if I blog out of guilt or feeling as if I have too my blog feels impersonal and blah. So, that is my excuse like it or not.

Tonight I was doing the seasonal switch of clothing and as I was putting away Payson's smaller clothes, (he has saved us a lot of money b/c he can wear last years clothes 12-18 months...my tiny boy) and was just reminded of how much I have been robbed. There were some cute overalls that still had tags on them b/c Payson can't wear onesies and overalls b/c of te G-tube. As I went through the baby clothes that he'd never gotten the chance to wear b/c of his extended hospital stay I saw his "coming home" outfit. I remember I spent weeks searching for the perfect outfit to bring him home in I carefully washed it and packed it neatly in my hospital bag. My heart stood still for a minute when I saw it b/c Payson never had the chance to wear it. It was quickly put away only to remain in storage since. Crazy how something so little can bring back such raw emotion. It just makes me realize how much I lost out on. All those first moments, the sweet smell of a newborn baby, napping with the breath of your baby gently caressing your skin; gone, time has stolen it away. It makes me wonder if Payson's lack of affection comes from those missed precious moments. I guess I will have to keep kissing and hugging him.

While I was silent Todd and I saw a rare small blip of time that we could enroll Payson into an intensive feeding program. Last Friday we went and I wanted to jump right in! It is an expensive program (they don't take insurance), but one that has a high success rate. A year ago when I first heard about this program I knew Payson wasn't ready b/c he wasn't behavioral, but had sensory issues. Tides have turned and we have conquered the sensory issues and he is fully behavioral. So, now we try back control and make him eat! In other words a battle of the wills...I can hear the banjo's now! It will be interesting to watch and I have been warned that it will be hard to see. The first few sessions I will be behind a 2-way glass window watching how the therapist gets him to eat. He will cry and want to be rescued and I will have to sit there to watch him struggle with the loss of control. It will take all I have got to withstand this struggle and do it everyday for three weeks straight. After the first few intensive weeks we will only have therapy a couple of times a week and slowly faze out the amount of therapies he gets in a week. The whole program from start to finish should take 3 + months. He might not be eating full on meals, but he will be eating some only to improve from there. I look forward to the end result, but dread the intensive beginning. I am already burnt out, tired and worn down I just can't imagine being able to get us out the door and to West Chester (40 min. drive) by 9:30 everyday for three long weeks. I know I need to do this but my body, mind and soul are depleted of everything I have.

I keep trying to tell myself that I have it easy compared to...but I feel as if I am robbing myself of the right to be exhausted. Not that I ever had much patience, but of late have found myself closer to my breaking point then ever before. My mind is fried that making simple decisions just seems to be impossibly complicated. Then to run errands or keep up with what little life I have just exhausts me at the thought. I know what all yall are thinking...that girls depressed! Yes, I probably am or maybe it is the place I am in my life's journey! What I wouldn't give to for a complete break for just a few hours, no kids, no responsibilities, no therapy's, nothing demanding my attention. Ahhhh...No shirt, no shoes, no problems! Someday soon!

Please pray for us as we embark on this program and the intensity of it all. Not only is it hard on me, but hard on everyone in this family. Everyone gets disrupted! Please pray this is successful for Payson and that we don't have to temporarily relocate to attend another feeding clinic. Thank you for supporting our family now and back then!