It must be the time of year or the longing of the little girl within me that produced a dream so real and vivid of my father last night. My dad, Theodore Alfred, (okay not the greatest name, but the name didn't make the man), has been gone almost 11 years now. Even after all these years I find myself wanting to call him to tell him about my children's accomplishments or to tell of the highlights or frustrations in my life. Some people say that after someone dies you make them better/bigger than they really were...This is not the case. See, I spent 18 years full of anger and rage against him. I can't tell you how many times I cussed him out over the loss of our family unity and the horse farm I so loved. There are no words to describe how nasty I was to him, but trust me I personally made him pay for all of my loss over the divorce. Now I am sure there were times that he wanted to throttle me or thought I was a little wench, but I never remember a time that he expressed those feelings to me. He always wanted to help me in some way and like a father reaching his hand out to his child I slapped it away afraid to let him near. This dance went on for some time, but when I was 18 had just given birth and had no one I once again saw his hand and I finally took it. Walker and I moved to Texas and lived with him. I spent the last 6 month of my father's life with him rebuilding what had been demolished so long ago. I saw my "Daddy" for the first time and I became a little girl. Because of his mistakes he made a lot of changes in his life and every change was for the better. Realizing that he was just a man who had made mistakes I relished my time with him. Watching him with Walker broke down those giant walls and I finally got to have my dad! Sometime I think it was what kept him here for so long after his first heart attack...He couldn't leave me with so much anger and pent up rage. It is this that allows me to dream of him and miss him terribly!
My dream of him:
It used to feel as if dad just went on a trip always tricking me to think he'd be home any day! Finally last night he was home! For some reason (in my dream) we kept his home in Dallas and hadn't been in there since his death. When I saw him I showed him that I didn't give up on him and kept everything the same as he left it. We walked through the house chatting up the last 10+ years and he was so proud of me for keeping everything for his return. Abruptly the dream ended and I was faced with the realization he was still gone!
Boy oh Boy I miss him! I still cry over him and since he was the first man in my life I am sure he won't be someone I'll ever get over!
He sure has missed a lot! He would be the proud grandfather (Opa) to seven grandchildren and would have loved every minute with them...I am sure they all would have learned to ski as soon as they were able! It is evident how much he loved being an Opa in the picture below.
3 comments:
That was a sweet post, Windsor, and I'm glad you were able to have a nice dream about your daddy. That was a special gift:)
God knew exactly what He was doing when he restored you and your father, even if only for a short time. Many times when we must part from those we love we do it angrily because somehow it seems to make it easier to handle. In other cases, God takes the reigns and brings a divine peace that passes all understanding in and through relationships so that we can handle it when they are gone. I witnessed the evolution of your pain turning to understanding and love for a man you swore you would never love again. He didn't leave you until you were able to emerge a healthy, bold, and beautiful butterfly. Take flight and remember that your dad will always be the wind beneath your wings... I love you...
I am glad the Lord gave that special time and restored your relationship before he passed away. It is a sweet gift you can hold on to
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