ARRRRR

Want to know one of the worst sides to having a baby in NICU? (Of course, beside the obvious reasons) Nope, not the lack of privacy. No, not the pumping. Not even having new nurses every other day.It is being told when I can or can't hold my baby. It is when I am told when I can or can't come into the NICU to see him. It is when the nurses tell me how to handle, hold, change his diaper, bathe or care for Payson. When I am told whether or not my kids can come see/meet him. It is not being aloud to be the mother I desperately want to be to that sweet little boy.

If you know me at all I am not the kinda girl that gets told, but is the one directing everyone. I don't like boundaries or limitations (insert my mother and best friend laughing here) and if they are set I always walk over or exceed them. I always travel down the road that is my own and rarely do I stop to listen to all the Na Sayers along the way. Not that any of these are excellent qualities that have shot me beyond the stars. More then anything this stubbornness/willfulness has hindered my shot to the stars, but these are the qualities that have allowed me to survive some unbearable heartache. They are also keeping me going during this time in our lives. Needless, to say having someone dictate how I am to be a mother to Payson kills me. All I want to do is be the mother I have been with all my babies. I want to hold him freely, sing to him peacefully, pray over him privately, walk him around to see things (Do you realize he has never been in my arms and walked anywhere?), show him new things,etc...the list goes on and on. Really, all I want is him home. Even though the thought of him coming home scares the daylights out of me I still know our family isn't complete until he is here. I want to be able to provide him all the same opportunities that I was able to give the other kids. He hasn't even had a photo shoot yet? Stupid, I know, but it is a big deal to us to fill his photo album just as much as Margaret Ruth did hers. When it all boils down I just want him home. That is it...I just want to bring Payson home to live with us! Dear Lord, hear my earnest prayer!

***Side note: We were able to finally introduce Payson to Margaret Ruth. This is the first time she has ever seen him and even though it was through a glass window it was still an introduction. She would hit the glass as if she were trying to "touch" Payson. She observed him peacefully and intently as if she was soaking up everything she was seeing. It was neat to watch. I desperately wanted a picture of all of us together, but it didn't work out. Maybe someday soon!