Ahhhhh, Home!

It is so nice to not have to make the trip to the hospital and to have all my kids under one roof! Payson seems to be adjusting to home like he has handled everything else; like an amazing trooper that he is. He is very forgiving on our mistakes and seems to be understanding about our "airhead" moments! He is such a cool baby that he even sleeps through the night, (the continuous feeds help). Now don't get me wrong we don't get to sleep that whole time b/c breast milk is only good for 4 hours at room temp. we have to get up once in the night to give him a dose of medicine and add more milk to his feed. When he is awake he just stares at Margaret Ruth or us. Beside the occasional "cry", (his cry is a sweet little pathetic cry) where his acid reflux is acting up he will just hang out smiling at everyone! He is such a joy to have around! Margaret Ruth is doing okay, but has her moments of just needing our undivided attention. She has spend some time waving hi to Payson, talking to him and tonight she was just pretending he wasn't there. I have caught her a couple of times playing with her doll feeding it, clipping it's nails and changing the diaper. I guess she is trying to imitate us! For a brief moment I allowed her to hold him and she just absorbed his every movement. As Payson gets older I think she will enjoy him more and we will get to see her be a little mommy! I feel bad for her because she is very busy running, destroying and jumping off things thus causing me to lose my patience with her. I just can't find anything that will keep her still for a brief moment. Despite her business she she continues to be a light in our lives and make us laugh out loud! Like us the boys are adjusting to life with two little ones in the house. We have spoken to them about Payson's condition and how serious it can be. They seemed to have taken our talk seriously and are prepared for whatever might come our way. Walker had basketball practice tonight and I was happy to be able to take Margaret Ruth and watch him. He is such a good athlete and I love to watch him put his all into something he enjoys. It gave him some undivided attention and allowed Margaret Ruth to hang out with me alone.

I think the kids are doing better at the adjustment then Todd and I are. We seem to be a little frazzled as we navigate these new waters. Our first adjustment is having two little ones in the house that need our attention, (the boys have needed us, but not nearly as much as little ones), but add a medically challenged infant to the mix and Woo it's a stressor! We are so short with each other and feel our needs are more important to then the others. Once we get further into this then 48 hours I think we will both find a rhythm in handling our situation and eventually it will be 2nd nature to us. We laugh at the thought that we wanted to bring him home to wait for surgery...We think a g-tube with occasional apnea spells and acid reflux are bad. Imagine coming home on suction, g-tube, oxygen, apnea issues and breathing difficulties. We were so naive to think we could do it. Some moments it seems to be too much and he is fixed. There have been many times where I just snicker at the line, "God will not give you more than you can handle" because every time someone says that our overwhelmed tuning knob gets turned up. It is unbelievable to me how overwhelmed and out of sorts we really are with this. For the first time in a long time I feel so very lost and scared! I have no idea what I am doing and feel as if at any moment my head is going to pop off my shoulders! Everything i do is being second guessed and my confidence in being a mom to Payson is waning. I will get through this right? All the encouragement we have gotten that tells us we are strong people make me want to laugh now because I feel as if I am the weakest human being alive. I mean I just got Payson home not even 48 hours ago and here I am overwhelmed. Ha! I guess I just need to put on my big girl panties and hunker down! Poor kid got the short straw in his birth, but then to have a medical idiot for a mom is like kicking him when he's down. Poor thing! Thank God he is so patient with me!
Speaking of the boy...I hear his faint whine. Need to go check on him!Thanks for all the well wishes and I hope to post pictures of his homecoming soon!