Today is the day! Payson is coming home!!!

I can't believe that today I get to bring home my three month old son for the very first time! Excitement is overflowing, preparation is under way and nerves are building! We understand the challenges that lay ahead of us, (though we have yet to fully comprehend it), but look forward to finally being a completed family! Today is the day...Finally today is here!

As you read before it was discussed that we might be able to come home on Tuesday, but things didn't fall into place as well as they needed to be. First thing this morning, as I sit crocheting in Payson's room I heard a noise. I jumped up to see what had happened and it was Payson throwing up, (which is happening more and more b/c of the acid reflux). This moment confirmed in me that if we didn't have a monitor at home with us that neither one of us would get any sleep out of fear that he'd be on his back when he'd throw up. So, after a quick discussion with the doctor he agreed to give us the peace of mind that we will need. Our amazing social worker rushed to put in the order for the Apnea monitor, but they didn't have time to train us until today. After Sara, Todd and I took infant CPR training we continued to get things in order for Payson to come home. At 1:30 we were off to the swallow study. It was so neat to watch the x-ray of paysons mouth as he would swallow, but like everything else in our journey this didn't turn out so well. It appeared that when Payson swallowed thin liquid he'd aspirate on it, but when he swallowed thicker liquid he'd do so-so. In the x-ray you could see how uncoordinated his tongue was with his swallow, but he tried and that is all that matters! After the study it was decided that thicker liquids would be better for Payson to have by bottle and with that I have stopped pumping. Even though every part of me wants to be able to say, "my son with atresia was able to breastfeed" and prove all those statistics wrong, but with him coming home still medically needy I need to put down my fight and bow out. I gave it my best shot this whole time and pushed hard to be able to help him conquer this hindrance, but it would be too much. I think I could possibly lose my mind if I had to balance Margaret Ruth's needs, Payson's feeds and my pumping...Insanity! I am disappointed and sad that I can't have those special bonding moments with my son. In my heart all I wanted was for God to give this precious little boy an easy task. He has been such a trooper through all of this and I feel he deserves to have something come easy. Unfortunately, it won't be breast feeding, (or bottle feeding for that matter). Kids with his condition who haven't eaten for as long as he has tend to go straight to table foods with a cup. They never learn how to bottle/breast feed. Could someone have spilled these beans earlier? Oh, well at least we have an ample supply of breast milk that should get us through a couple of months. After this study Todd and I got trained on his feeding pump then spent the rest of the afternoon preparing our departure! Woohoo! We are outta there!

So, today when 8 pm rolls around you can rest assured that I will have a certain little boy in my arms in the comfort of our home! Welcome home Payson!!!

BTW: I might be absent in my posts for a couple of days while I figure out how to balance life with all the kids, but know we will be loving every minute of it.