Tonight's Latest

As of this moment Payson does NOT have RSV or the flu. They are unsure if this is a virus or a narrowing of the asparagus at the surgical repair site. If we are honest this could be a hundred different things that we will just have to rule out. The doctors have decided to wait until morning to pursue any tests. This will allow them to see if Payson responds to the steroids, oxygen flow and breathing treatments before tackling the "what's causing this" issue.

This afternoon while we waited by Payson's bedside, Todd and I discussed who was going home and who was staying. Normally, he sweetly goes to try to handle home life so I can sit at Payson's bedside, but this time I just couldn't do it. There was nothing left inside me to forge ahead. I hadn't recovered yet from our 99 days that left me depleted, exhausted and barely hanging on to a thread. I was most certainly not prepared for this mornings turn of events and it hadn't even crossed our minds that this could happen. So, to stay would require more of me than I had and Payson seemed to be okay with my departure. Before I left, he was in high spirits trying to pull his nasal cannula off. He was so "spunky" that when I'd pull his blanket up, (his room is very cold and he is only in a diaper) he'd growl at me and kick it off. We continued this game for a few minutes before we said goodbye, (if he was older this game would look like a boy sitting up in bed, feeling better, smiling, waving goodbye and yelling I love you mom!)

When Todd called later this evening to fill me in on medical conversations he'd had he abruptly tells me he has to go. When he called back he informed me that Payson had another blue episode, not as bad as this morning, but not good. As of 10 minutes ago he has continues to have little episodes here and there. I must say I am relieved he finally showed the PICU doctors/nurses what these episodes are like. He was such a happy, smiling, healthy little boy all afternoon I was worried that they wouldn't believe me, (except a big one happened in the ER). As I sit her completely baffled by today's turn of events I rest assured that I made the right decision to leave. All the ups and downs of his blue episodes would have created a deeper exhaustion. It wouldn't have been helpful to Payson to have stayed when I was that depleted. Even though I have guilt for turning my back I know it was something I had to do. In my time away I have spent the last few hours pondering all of this. Wondering why this had to happen? I am searching for any kind of explanation for us having to go through this. What point is there to be made? Is it me that needs to learn a lesson? Could it be someone who knows and loves us? Or perhaps someone who reads the blog that is learning something? What is it damn it, what is it! Just tell me why this is necessary! What possible lesson could we learn from this? Seriously! Lord, this is kicking us when we are down! We have battled courageously, we have smiled and kept humor amidst it all. Our knees have bled in prayer and our hearts have cried in anguish. We are battered, bruised and beaten. We walk away with our tails between our legs and an overwhelming sense of eternal disappointment that any type of miracle we'd hoped for is out of the question. Lord, are you even listening at this point? So, many have gathered in Your name to pray for us and with us why is it that you have not answered? Why is it that you are not giving us the desire of our hearts? P-L-E-A-S-E! What is it? What have I done so wrong that my baby lie helplessly in the hospital away from my arms? Wasn't the loss of my daughter enough heartache for one lifetime? Why must I pay more? Why is it that when my son needs me most I have to walk away just to survive another day? Why is it that while we are in this battle of our lives our marriage seems to be unraveling quicker then we can sew it back together? Why keep beating a dead horse? Why Lord, Why?


As I end this post to continue to wrestle with these questions I leave you with a video of Payson I have been meaning to post.