The Eve

As I sit here on the Eve of Payson's 3rd birthday I find myself doing what most other mom's do before their young child's birthday; reflect. Most parents think in terms at this time we were doing this; right now three years ago this was happening, only so many hours until the arrival, etc... I find myself doing that as well, but with a twist. I think about how ignorant Todd and I were. We were blissfully waiting for son's arrival only for the birth to be traumatic for all who were there. I think in terms of what we were doing, what was going on and how many hours, but I find myself harboring dread of what I now know would happen. All the hopes turned to fear, all the excitement turned into tears, all the wishes turned into prayers and the normal turned into a world turned upside down. 9:06 am three years ago marks the time when our lives changed and our battled to save our son began. Within hours of his birth he'd be transferred to another hospital. Within 24 hours against my doctor’s desires and low on blood I signed out to be at my baby’s side. The next few days Todd and I desperately tried to process the information coming at us with computer speed. We endured our first surgery, the news that we'd have to wait a couple weeks and that the medicine I took possibly had done this to my baby. It isn't a moment I like to relive, but one that is permanently etched in my memory.

Yet, as I remember all the gut wrenching heart ache I also remember this precious life. The one who was so tiny with tubes all over him and many imperfections (need I remind you of my favorite genetics doctor), but oh so precious. That birthday eve as Payson refused to sit in a spot so he could be monitored was he was foreshadowing how much of a stubborn fighter he'd be? Those long 151 days in the ICU when I was moments from losing him to those days when he'd just smile the day away. The moment that I almost broke down when we were walking down the hall of the ICU with Payson on the stretcher as we were finally headed home and we stopped so I could erase his name off of the patient board. Such a simple action, but one I clasp to greatly! Payson's has defied the odds and exceeded everyone's expectations. He was able to quit his therapies early as he reached their goals, he communicates very well, eats everything in sight (as long as it is chopped up), he runs around like a child who sat in the hospital way too long and has got to make up for lost time. Even his doctors are impressed with what he can grow out, be diagnosed with and how "interesting of a case" he is, (none of which is a good thing, but he is exceeding). For the most part the bad has given way mostly to the good. Although I am left with some not so fond memories of his birth he has given me a bazillion times more happy memories to outweigh the bad ones.

Payson,you are one of a kind! You walk around with your back straight, head up and parade around like you own it. The vocabulary that comes from your lips downright shocks me sometimes. Your belly laugh is so contagious and your personality beams. There isn't a person who looks at you and doesn't smile because of how cute you are, but also because of the orea you possess. Your life has strengthened our commitment as a family, parents and in our marriage. You have done this in only 3 years of life; boy oh boy I am looking forward to seeing what else God is going to do with you! Son, you are a gift to this world, but mostly to me and daddy! I love you passionately! Happy 3rd Birthday!!! On a final note: I will never forget my OB looking at me after the MRI confirmed Payson was okay and asking me, "What would you have done had it shown he wasn't perfect?" "What do you mean", I asked. She replied, "Would you have aborted?" "NO! He is perfect as he is!" Knowing what I know now I still stand by my reply. A verse God gave me for Payson last year just because: "Out of all the people on the earth the Lord chose you to be His special cherished possession" Deuteronomy 7:6